What I Think About When Flying

If I see a gremlin OR William Shatner out there, I will freak.
If I see a gremlin OR William Shatner out there, I will freak.

1) Those millimeter wave scanners are clearly based on medical technology and they are finding something wrong with my left knee because they pat it down every time.

2) It’s 2013 and people STILL try to bring water through security.

3) I wonder if I need knee surgery.

4) I need breakfast, but I’m not paying $8.95 for a egg and cheese bagel.

5) My other breakfast option is Twizzlers and trail mix.

6) Okay, I need the protein. Plus, you expect to get ripped off at the airport. Right?

7) Is it obsessive compulsive to check for your wallet, phone and keys five times between security and boarding?

8) A means A, people. You B and C groupers need to step off and let those of us who set their alarms get the seats we planned for. This means you, Laughing Overly Loud Woman. I see you inching your way into line.

9) Will the attendant bounce LOL Woman for cutting in line? They better.

10) Okay, breathe. ¬†She’s one seat. There are plenty. Let it go.

11) I love the window, but what if I have to pee? Better take the aisle.

12) It’s a short flight, I could hold it. Of course, if someone takes the middle AND the aisle, I might get claustrophobic.

13) Aisle it is. They better not close the window.

14) Come on, people – make a decision and sit down. We need to get going.

15) I have to see the take-off, so don’t close that shade, Hungover College Guy.

16) Wow, I’m more superstitious than I thought.

17) The older I get, the less I like this banking the wings business. What if we flip over?

18) I’d google “commercial aircraft that have flipped over” but I don’t really want to know.

19) Now my hip is cramping. How come that didn’t show up on the scanners?

20) My flight attendant friend told me no plane has ever gone down from turbulence.

21) If I don’t live through this, I will haunt him.

22) The woman next to me is more scared than me. Great, now I have to act nonchalant.

23) Why did I put my phone in my backpack? What if I have to make a last-minute phone call to say “I love you and there’s an extra box of cat food in the pantry!”

24) My last words better not be about cat food.

25) Perhaps I shouldn’t think about last words while on a bumpy flight, no matter what my flight attendant friend says.

26) I suspect the crew takes all the parachutes anyway, so what do they care about us poor paying fliers?

27) Okay, we’re in descent. How far can we fall and survive … from about …. here, maybe?

28) Definitely we could survive from here.

29) How often do they change these tires? I mean, 500 mph, coming in from 35,000 feet a couple of times a day … the wear on that tread must be insane.

30) How can it take longer to get off than on? Don’t you people have places to go?

31) Look at that – I forgot to turn my phone off the whole time. I KNEW they were lying about all that!

32) I better not end up on some TSA list for this …

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