Logan’s Run – Season 1, Episode 4: “The Innocent”

Another force field, more Sandmen than ever before and mixed messages for an omnipotent psychically-powered girl? Sounds like it’s time to crank up the pew-pew music and head out on the next leg of Logan’s Run!

I’m a force field lovin’ fool

This retread of the original series Star Trek’s Charlie X is … probably part of the reason this show got cancelled. There’s not much to say about this one. REM, Jessica and Logan come across a minefield that REM and Logan use his blaster and REM’s Sonic Tuning Fork (perhaps this is made on Gallifrey?) to navigate through it until they come across a bunker protected by a forcefield.

But am I in tune, Logan?

They go right inside, ignoring the robotic voice telling them they are not authorized. When REM tuning forks his way in, they meet ( I am NOT making this up) Friend, the robot. Now, if he was named F.R.E.I.N.D. and all the letters stood for something cool (Ferrous Robotic Entity Inspecting Needed Defenses, off the top of my head) I’d be more generous.

I can’t with this thing.

As it is, his arms have exposed wiring and his face looks like a metal pot holder with grommets for eyes. AND HE’S NOT THE WORST ROBOT!

That honor goes to Nanny, who can’t see out of one optical receptor and complains about how dusty everything is. These are the laughs, kids. All of them.

But holy hell!

They are there protecting Lisa, a young girl (carefully mentioned as being 19, so later events aren’t creepy) who is capital-M mysterious. She’s never been outside and very quickly crushes on Logan. Since we all people that have grown up with no human supervision are OBVIOUSLY raging ids with no self-control, rest assured problems WILL arise because of this.

It’s the iPad Pro5000

Lisa uses the world’s glitteriest iPad to sketch Logan. Now, she apparently does it from memory and it’s only his face, but if I were her, I’d have been more subtle and been like, “Hey Logan, I need a nude model for my life-drawing studies. Can you undress right here, thanks!”

When Logan gently spurns her advances (which is a word that needs to be more in vogue … there’s a lot I want to spurn right now) she uses mind powers © to erase the iPad drawing! Plot twist!

How many Sandmen does it take to catch two runners and a robot? Apparently 53.

Meanwhile, there are THREE TEAMS of Sandmen hunting Logan. One of them is actually named Strong, so after all of Francis’ penetrating stares with Logan last week, I am reading some major subtext into this. They spend the entire episode basically waiting outside for the force field to drop, or Logan to come out.

When the force field does lower briefly, one Sandman rushes towards the bunker and gets zapped away. Good thing Francis has five others to play with. He calls for Team C to bring a bigger blaster. Team C has the (a … and I kid you not ) a BLAZER. Sounds powerful and scary.  

Inside the bunker, REM fixes Nanny’s optical receptor, Lisa fixates on Jessica’s hair and has hers done in a similar manner. Logan still doesn’t pay any attention to her and he’s all worried about Team C and their blazer laser. Lisa destroys that with her mind powers © so now Logan can stay with her. That meany Logan says he and Jessica still have to find Sanctuary. Lisa stalks off.

MIND POWERS!©

In one of the creepiest moments of logic ever on TV, she sulks to Friend that Logan wants to leave and that Jessica is the obstacle to her future happiness with Logan. I also thought that, but was a 12-year-old gay kid in North Carolina, and didn’t have the mind powers© to wish Jessica into a cornfield or anything. Friend says she should eliminate the problem. My word!

So, I should just kill anyone that gets in my way? Baller.

As Jessica messes with the world’s must useless-yet-futuristic pinball machine, REM finds out the bunker was a government testing facility for people with mind powers© and Lisa is the last descendant. Lisa overhears this and wishes them both into the same dark warehouse she’s put that Sandman in.

Special effects!

Fashion Forward

I am loving this white and cornflower blue color-blocked dress. If Nanny made this with only one optical receptor, watch out Project Runway now that she has two!

This whole house is a pop of color.

At breakfast, she lets Logan know she’s gotten rid of them so they can be together. This goes over well. He spurns her again and so she telekinetically shoves him against the wall and then takes control of his mind.

She walks him out and hands him over to Francis. Apparently, this is the last episode. Oh wait! She asks what will happen to Logan and Francis says he’ll be reprogrammed. She uses her mind powers© again and blinks them away and brings REM and Jessica back.

They say their goodbyes and Lisa will release the Sandmen the next day after they are gone. When REM and Jessica leave, Logan hangs back and KISSES her! This is just cruel and playing with fire.

INAPPROPRIATE!

Overall, one out of five Sanctuary ankhs. No shirtlessness and pretty lame plot. Next week – they actually find Sanctuary! Or do they …

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