Oh, yes … The SECOND Kristin Shepherd is here and she’s got her sights on another Ewing … and it ain’t Lucy (though that opens up a wealth of story possibilities)! Plus … possibly the largest collection of Unfortunate Neckwear Choices to date! Let’s see what’s happening on the ranch!

Game Night at SouthFork!

It’s a quiet evening after dinner at SouthFork and J.R. is playing backgammon with some woman we’ve never seen before. This, of course, is Kristin 2.0, and J.R. is delighted that he invited her to visit … just as Bobby and Pam are having marital issues. The game affords Kristin the chance to say that for he next game with Jock, she wants to play for 10 cents a point, laughing that a girl’s gotta think about her future.

At 10 cents a point, you better be playing backgammon 24/7, girl.

Wait a few more episodes, Lucy!

Lucy gets some meta-commentary in on how she feels invisible these days. I imagine Charlene Tilton DID feel a bit invisible. She hasn’t had a real storyline since the beginning of the season. That is about to change!

Unfortunate Neckwear Choice #1

Meanwhile, Sue Ellen is knitting, which, like Lucy’s guitar playing, seems extremely forced and out of character. In bed that night, Sue Ellen is having an evening toddy IN BED and says she knows what J.R. is up to. He asks why does everyone always think he is up to something, and really, J.R., you should watch your show more.

Cocktails in bed … as you do.

Sue Ellen knows J.R. wants to seduce Kristin, but since Sue Ellen isn’t having that (at least for now) J.R. is trying to drive a wedge into Bobby and Pamela’s marriage. J.R. chalks this up to her “colorful imagination.”

“I do declare, Sue Ellen, I just want to be richer than you!”

At the pool the next morning, Kristin bats her eyes and says how she could “stay here my whole life.” She tells Sue Ellen she always hated her for being pretty, well-mannered and getting all the attention. She then coyly asks to the surprise of no one, how Bobby and Pam are doing.

Note to all, don’t let younger siblings stay with you, if any family members are having marital issues.

Reality Checks With Lucy Ewing … coming this fall to CBS!

Lucy comes out and Kristin wants to say how nice J.R. was inviting her here. Lucy, who needs to work on her suntan before prom, says J.R. is never nice. There’s a phone call from Sue Ellen from the doctor, only it’s NOT the doctor … it’s Cliff!

He isn’t calling to check up on Sue Ellen or the baby. Nope, he wants info on the Palo Seco oil leases the Ewings are trying to buy from a bunch of farmers. RUDE. Still, Sue Ellen, like a ditz, tells him she did overhear at dinner that Jock really wants to tie those leases up and if Jock wants something, J.R. wants it, too.

I would kill for a Man From Atlantis/Planet of the Apes crossover!

Bobby is walking in what appears to be the Century City Mall (which I far more affectionately know as the site of the Ape Riots in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes –  watch out, Bobby!) and meets Pam, who is hiding from the apes behind a pillar. They have been meeting clandestinely, which seems silly.

Pam, are you wearing Dr. Zaius?!?

Pam has a new hairdo, but the same pissy attitude that she can’t go back to SouthFork since J.R. tried to frame Cliff for murder. Nothing gets resolved.

Where’s Wally?

Cliff goes to meet with Wally Kessel, the last holdout on the Palo Seco land. In a REMARKABLE coincidence, Wally knew Digger, and Cliff was Wally’s lawyer until Cliff became head of the OLM. Cliff tries to convince Wally to not sign with the Ewings and hold out for more money. IN fact, he’ll “buy” some shares in future royalties to get Wally money for his mortgage. Only Cliff isn’t doing the buying, Digger will. After all, he can’t have a conflict of interest.

“It’s a shell corporation … DiggerCo, LLC.”

Cliff is obviously a Republican.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we see dinner is served buffet-style. WHAT?!? Raoul is serving from the chafing dishes. This is nutty to me, and I can’t see the Carringtons eating this way. Jock and J.R. talk about the Palo Seco issue and Sue Ellen looks nervous.

We have NEVER seen this before.

Cliff asks Pam for $10,000 to buy the shares for “Digger.” She wasnts to know where she’s supposed to get that and Cliff doesn’t miss a beat when he says her checking account. He means, of course, her joint account with Bobby. Pam wonders why Digger didn’t ask and Cliff admits Digger doesn’t know –  he’s off in California. Still, Pam calls Bobby and asks.

Unfortunate Neckwear Choices #2 and #3

Bobby says the money doesn’t matter and to of course take it. He is too nice to her.

At SouthFork, Kristin is having an Evita/Sue Ellen moment. She slinks down the stairs, and twirls around, obviously thinking how great it’s going to be when she becomes Mistress of SouthFork. Lucy stops her dead in her tracks and says she looks like Sue Ellen. Since Kristin has no idea that half the family has called Sue Ellen out for wanting to be Mistress of SouthFork, it’s a little lost on her.

“It’s mine! All mine!”

Bobby goes swimming in a TIGHT Speedo that he frustratingly keeps turned away from the camera and Kristin jumps into the pool and races him. J.R. and Sue Ellen come out and my God, there is SO MUCH Unfortunate Neckwear in this episode. She tells J.R. not to use her sister as a pawn and J.R. asks if she’s already started drinking.

GIANT Unfortunate Neckwear Choice #4

Bobby gets out, avoids the camera (maddening!) and when Jock and Miss Ellie come out, Kristin goes to town with her “This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, I never want to leave, who can I sleep with to become Mistress of SouthFork?” routine.

Turn AROUND, Bobby!

Before everyone leaves for the day, Sue Ellen confronts Kristin and asks if she is into Bobby. Kristin doesn’t deny it. She then grabs Bobby before he leaves and asks for a ride into town, as everyone else has plans. She doesn’t want to be alone all day. I THOUGHT IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE YOU’D EVER SEEN!

Unfortunate Neckwear Choice #5 (and possibly #6)

Kristin has done her homework. She blathers on about architecture, and drops some famous architect names and wants to walk around Dallas looking at buildings. Hmmmm. She prattles on about Mama wanting her to get a husband not study architecture.

Bobby drops her off in the middle of downtown and says to be at the office by 5 and SOMEONE will driver her home. Ah, the pre-Uber days!

Wally signs some piece of paper which is probably important and applauds Cliff for using Ewing money to get back at the Ewings. He says Cliff grew up devious. No kidding!

Boring Neckwear Choice #1

Seth Stone calls J.R. about Wally. He lets J.R. know Pam gave Wally the money to make his mortgage payment. J.R.  confronts Bobby about it and Bobby defends Pam, saying she must not have known it was a Ewing deal. J.R. is pissed and Bobby asks about Wally’s royalties and tells J.R.  those are too low, no wonder Wally resisted. Bobby says he’ll take care of the situation.  

He leaves so when Kristin shows up, J.R. is the one to drive her home. He tells Kristin he hasn’t heard Bobby laugh in weeks, and so … Bobby and Pam have been separated for WEEKS? WTF? J.R. leads Kristin to believe Bobby has realized his marriade is over, but today he accepted it.

You SHOULD feel bad, Pam!

Bobby accepts it by going to see Pam and getting mad at her. She thinks Cliff can do no wrong and Bobby and his whole family are evil. He’s pretty logical and tells her there’s no way that Clif, as head of the OLM, didn’t know about the deal.

Unfortunate Jacket Choice #1

That night, Jock and the sons talk. J.R.  admits he admires Cliff’s tactic of using their money against them. Jock wants that land and is frustrated J.R. hasn’t been able to get it. Bobby volunteers to negotiate with Wally and Jock says okay, but if he fails, they will “do whatever they have to.” What does that mean, Jock? Are you going to go out and kill Wally?

Hideous Bedspread Choice #1

Pam is trying to sleep under a hideous bedspread in her hotel. That bedspread alone would send me back to SouthFork. She calls Bobby, who is under only slightly-less hideous sheets. Pam wants to have lunch, but Bobby says no. As long as she thinks Cliff is Sir Galahad and the Ewings are the forces of evil (he actually says “forces of evil”) he can’t do it. Good for Bobby!

Shirtless Bobby Ewing Choice #2 (finally)

Bobby confronts Cliff, and wants him to stop trying to mess up his marriage. Cliff says he won’t cry if Bobby and Pam divorce. He reminds Bobby the Ewings cost him an election and trumped up murder charge and he will use anything and anyone — even his sister  — to ruin them. Bobby has had enough and says he has been preventing J.R. from destroying Cliff, but if Cliff deosn’t stop this, he’ll stop blocking J.R. … and he may even help him. DO NOT PISS BOBBY EWING OFF!

Check yourself before you wreck yourself (and Unfortunate Neckwear Choice #7)

At the pool, Lucy is playing some elevator version of non-licensed disco music, working on her tan and tells Kristin to give up on Bobby and try for J.R. 

Look at the size of that radio!

Kristin walks in on Bobby changing shirts and wants to go play tennis. She acts pouty and Bobby takes her with him to Wally’s farm to negotiate before a game of tennis … as the rich do.

Bobby offers Wally 21% instead of the 15% J.R. offered and tells him there is no way he will ever get the 25% Cliff dreamed up for him. Bobby and Kristin run off to play tennis and Wally looks like he’s going to cave.

Or, a Man From Atlantis/Dukes of Hazzard crossover (minus the General Lee)

That night, Kristin is slinking around and J.R.  check in with her and they are TOO cozy. Bobby walks in and is disgusted with J.R. but we don’t get any real fireworks.

No Neckwear Choice #1.

Wally comes to Ewing Oil and signs the lease. Bobby congratulates him and says he’s a wealthy man. Wally says he wouldn’t have signed  for much less if J.R. hadn’t been a prick.

Sign your soul away here.

Cliff is pissed. He is reiterating the plan to Wally, when Pam walks in. She’s heard everything and Cliff’s response is she shouldn’t walk into rooms unannounced. WOW. He says if Pam’s marriage is so great, why is she living in a hotel. He tries to say he wants her to choose to come back to the Barnes side of the feud and this might help knock her off the fence she’s on.

For all the care they take with Bobby and J.R.’s relationship, they don’t do as good a job with Pam and Cliff. Cliff is just scummy all the time. Pam knows it, and says Cliff’s side of the fence doesn’t look any better.

Cliff is a butthead.

You’d think the episode would be over, but we still have to get to Kristin making a play for Bobby!  Bobby comes home late (what …  was he filing paperwork for these leases?) and Pam has called all night. He calls her and she apologizes for not believing him. She says they both need sleep and says goodnight. That’s the whole conversation? What the actual hell, Pam?

“Okay sorry bye”

J.R. goes into Kristin’s room, and tells her Bobby’s home. Bobby makes a drink when Kristin comes in, wanting a book to read. On architecture, right, Kristin? She kisses Bobby and HE APOLOGIZES! He says now their relationship is at a tipping point and if she wants more than friendship, he just can’t She gives up and says he was worth a try. She’s ain’t wrong!

Yeesh, that was predictable and last minute.

Lucy, who came down for some milk, says she got to see a whole love scene. Hee hee hee! She tells Kristin it’s time to go –  she’s getting in Lucy’s way. What, is Lucy after ANOTHER uncle? EWWWWW. JK, but when she tells Kristin if she sticks around, she’ll be a big loser, we see the sad look on Lucy’s face and know she feels like a big loser. Awwww…

“Now I’ll be Mistress of SouthFork! BWAH HA HA HA HA!”

Sue Ellen is waiting in Kristin’s room and says she thinks it’s best if Kristin go home to Santa Fe tomorrow. Mama might be lonely. OUCH. Sue Ellen comes to bed and J.R. asks why she’s so happy. She says it’s been nice seeing J.R. not get what he wants. MEOW!

Can I call a lifeline?

Capiche Moment: Bobby and Pam walk through as-yet, non-ape infested mall. Pam says she thought Bobby was done with her. When she STILL won’t decide to come back, he says he can’t run away with her. He won’t give J.R.  and Cliff that satisfaction. But, he says, “Decide, Pam. Decide soon.”

Only two out of five Sue Ellen cocktails for this one. Kristin 2.0 was too over the top, no one except J.R. seemed in character and he was barely in this. Still, the stage is set for the REAL Kristin in Season Three. Next week –  Connie Selleca! Join us, won’t you?

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