Who rips up $500? This call girl!

You can NOT buy Veronica Hamel!
Suddenly, I like racquetball. I don’t know why.

Bobby and J.R. are playing racquetball, which of course they were. How on trend for that time! Bobby looks amazing, sweaty and sleek in a tank top and some super short shorts. J.R. just looks sweaty.  An employee tells Bobby that Ray has called and really ahs to speak to him. I assumed Bobby left the court to talk on the phone, but no, he is going to shower and drive to the ranch. WTF. He tells J.R. to take a break and J.R. hits a ball at him and it sounds like that was not scripted and you hear Bobby say “Ow!”

Sore loser.

Pam and Liz are at a photo shoot. LeeAnn (or as we will come to know her, AMBER, the most cliché hooker name ever) is a model and its clear she and Pam are becoming friends. Amber says she doesn’t think any man is worth all the anguish Pam is obvs going through, but she says Bobby is. Even if right now, his main concern is Ray, a tiny section of fence that’s down and rustlers that took five head of cattle. That’s not even worth the racquetball attendent’s time, Ray!

Victoria’s Extremely-Covered-Up Secret.

J.R. meets with what’s left of the Cartel … after all Willie Joe and Jeb “couldn’t even beat the manslaughter charges” from killing Julie.  Well, good thing they got kicked right out of the Cartel, then! No one wants to take J.R. seriously, with Cliff still running the OLM. They discuss Ben Maxwell, the shady middleman who got Cliff the Job and how squeaky clean he is. As the Cartel boys leave, J.R. gets to scheming. After all, he knows NOBODY is clean.

The first rule of the Cartel is you don’t talk about the Cartel.

At dinner (NOT a buffet this time!) the family discusses the crazy five-head-of-cattle rustlers. Miss Ellie allows she understands with the price of meat these days why someone would be so desperate.

Rich Guy and the Rancher, Private Investigators … coming this fall to CBS!

Now. It may be time for Economics For Rich Folks 101. Who in the HELL would steal cattle for meat? Shoplifting some steaks seems like a much easier proposition. Does Ray kill and carve up the cattle on the ranch? Is SouthFork a slaughterhouse, too? Am I going ot have to stop watching this show?

The name of the club is fairly obvious.

Bobby and Ray are going to hit some bars to investigate as Jock berates J.R. for losing the support of the Cartel and says to ask for Bobby’s help if he needs it. OUCH. SO the next day, J.R. takes Ben Maxwell to the racquetball court. I feel like they rented a court for a day, and needed to get their money’s worth of scenes from it. I’m surprised they didn’t have a family dinner scene there.

“Move in? Well, only if you try to set up a scandalous photo shoot with a drunk businessman.”

Pam’s latest photo shoot goes awry when the clothes don’t show up, so she and Amber go to the racquetball club for lunch so she can try and run into Bobby. This is such a junior high school idea, that I just can’t.

Amber suggests Pam move in with her and out of the hotel. Pam fees that this makes things too permanent. She explains AGAIN that she loves Bobby, but can’t live under the same roof as that “serpent of a brother” J.R., who sent Cliff to jail. Didn’t she just learn what an ass Cliff is in the last episode?

“Well, hello, Nurse! Like my Unfortunate Neckwear Choice for today?”

Of course, J.R. and Maxwell come in. Maxwell CLAIMS he doesn’t drink or have vices, but we’ll see what a lie that is. Maxwell is onto J.R.’s plan to get rid of Cliff, but says Cliff is doing the will of the people … that the independents are getting careless. Maxwell notices Pam and so there’s a MOMENT as Amber re-meets J.R. and neither show they know each other. Pam is super frosty to J.R. and J.R. notices Maxwell is attracted to Amber. Maxwell claims he is happily married and not interested, but this also is a LIE.

Eating a sexy carrot can’t hide that HIDEOUS WALLPAPER!

Later, J.R. shows up at Amber’s apartment, which may have the tackiest wallpaper we’ve seen on this show yet. We quickly realize she used to be a hooker, but now she has a daughter and she’s not for sale anymore. J.R. wants her to set up Maxwell and gives her $500. SHE TEARS IT UP. OMG. I’m not a crazy capitalist, but $500 IS $500.

What if this was some child actor’s claim to fame?

J.R. reminds her Texas has some archaic morality laws and expect mothers to not be hookers. She calls him a prize pimp and he says coming from an expert I consider that a compliment. DOUBLE OUCH.

I think destroying money is a federal crime, Amber.

J.R. watches Pam drive up to Amber’s apartment building. I can’t believe he didn’t hear Amber say hi to Pam on the phone when it rang during their conversation. How many Pams can one ex-hooker know? Still, he knows he can use this. After Pam inspects the place (which, is she blind not to see that hideous wallpaper) decides to move in with Amber. She calls Bobby to tell him that she’s still not ready to come home to SouthFork, and he pretty much hangs up on her. Which, good for him, I say.  

“Pam, I have the cutest wallpaper …”

As the family asks what’s up, Bobby tells them Pam has moved in with “LeeAnn Reece,” and J.R., hidden behind a wall of tumblers and shot glasses, smirks.

Stealth-Action J.R. Ewing® (accessories not included).

He calls his old police buddy Matt Henderson, and lets him know Amber is back in town and needs a “reminder” of who she is. Matt asks if she should get the A treatment or the B treatment, and J.R. says B should be fine. OMG you know this sort of thing happened (and most likely, still does). Matt goes to Amber’s apartment and threatens to arrest her –  to the point of driving her around the block and then says, lucky you have powerful friends. SLIMY.

Ewww. I need to clear my palette.

A saxophone solo transitions us to SouthFork. Sue Ellen is drunk and gazing in the mirror. J.R.  calls her a lush and a tramp and having his baby is the only thing standing between her and the gutter. I feel CERTAIN we know in the mid-70s drinking while pregnant was bad. HMMM.

Sue Ellen, you AREN’T helping!

J.R. gets a call from Matt, then heads to go break in and sit on Amber’s sofa. Did every landlord in Dallas fell comfortable letting J.R. in whenever he asked?

Almost like brothers. Almost.

Bobby Ewing, Righteous Oil Baron, PI and Ray Krebs, Roughneck PI are teaming up in The Case of the Nickel & Dime Rustlers. They’ve apparently hit a lot of bars, and Bobby is tired. Ray is too, only he didn’t want to admit it. They see Kit Mainwaring, the heir to Mainwaring Oil, getting bullied by some cowboys. A fight starts, and Bobby and Ray are there to help Kit out. One cowboy has a plaid sweater vest on, so I don’t know how he even got in the bar in the first place.

Who wears this????

They beat up the bar and head out. They find they are both looking for the nickel and dime rustlers, so Bobby tells Kit to come for breakfast the next day. PLOT SEED!

“Sure I’ll meet your niece! I have NO secrets whatsoever!”

Meanwhile, J.R. is in Amber’s apartment and wants her to set up Maxwell AND Pam the way they did the congressman and the oilman’s wife in Houston. Amber resists, but she knows she might lose her daughter if she doesn’t play by J.R.’s rules.

Kit is NOT checking Bobby’s unbuttoned shirt out. Nope.

At breakfast, Jock admires Bobby’s bruises and is mad because he didn’t get to fight. “There’s nothing I like better than a little fight now and then.” Okay. Kit shows up and Lucy goes nuts. She thinks he’s gorgeous and wants Miss Ellie to invite his family to their next party. Jock thinks Mainwaring is a “solid outfit” and thinks J.R. should get Mainwaring in the Cartel. So, basically everyone is lusting after the Mainwarings.

“Buy an ex-hooker a drink?”

At the racquet club, Amber pretends to be meeting Pam, but cozies up to Maxwell. He has a drink with her, which means he was lying to J.R. (totally understandable) or only drinks with ex-hookers who are about to ruin his career. Either way, he gets smashed. J.R. has been super sneaky this episode, and he pauses at the window of the bar to see his handiwork.

Camouflage-Action J.R. Ewing™, now available in stores!

LeeAnn calls Pam to let her know she has a hot date and not to wait up for her. No, really, she emphasizes, don’t wait up. Go right to sleep and sleep really well, so when I bring a drunk businessman into your room, you won’t wake up.

“Oh, you’ll take these photos … and like it!”

J.R. has a little trouble with the photographer he uses for his blackmail schemes, which is a scene I’m not sure why is in there. To show J.R. gets his way all the time?

Pam shows up at Amber’s. The sad, slow version of the Dallas theme plays as she trundles her suitcase up to the hideously-wallpapered apartment.

She feels okay about the wallpaper.

Amber and Maxwell show up and they have been drinking ALL DAY. Since LUNCH. I couldn’t hang like that when I was 20. Maxwell tries to get her to go in, but she doesn’t want the evening to end “out here on the sidewalk.” OMG. He goes in, as J.R. watches from his car.

That Pam is a sound sleeper.

Was J.R. spying on them the whole day? Doesn’t he have people for that? Or he just doesn’t trust his rebellious photographer and Amber?

Maxwell has a drink as Amber gets more (ahem) comfortable. She slips into Pam’s room and somehow doesn’t wake her as she opens the curtains the give the photographer a clear shot. Pam also doesn’t wake as Amber moves the nightstand over, so Maxwell will fall into bed easier. Amber has CLEARLY done this a lot and knows what to do.

Come into my parlor … I mean, Pam’s parlor.

Amber opens Pam’s door and beckons to Maxwell. He starts undressing and they are kissing in the doorway as Pam CONTINUES TO SLEEP. FINALLY Maxwell falls into the bed, photos are taken and Pam is like, “What?” and Amber is like “Oops, wrong room I forgot I asked you to start living here today. My bad.”


The Dallas paper has the photo on the front page. Jock is always the first one to read the paper and he asks if J.R. is behind it. Miss Ellie calls “fake news” on the story and Sue Ellen bitchily says Pam must not have learned anything classy by living here.

Circulation Total: Seven Ewings and Cliff Barnes

J.R. suspects Maxwell will have to resign, his company doesn’t like publicity. Bobby comes out and sees the paper and knows instantly J.R. did this. He punches J.R. in the stomach hard (making up for the cheap racquetball shot J.R. took earlier) and Jock says to quit fighting or he’ll make them quit.

“Wait! I want to fight, too!”

Bobby heads out and Jock tells J.R. if he IS responsible, Jock will kick his tail to the next county.

Amber is on the phone with her mom, and is coming to get her daughter. She promises her mom she will bring her up as a “proper lady” but she has to leave town. Incredibly, Pam spent the night in the room where a drunk businessman tripped into her bed. She wants Amber to tell her what happened, and Amber can’t. She runs out and Pam sees the paper and it’s scandalous photo!

They didn’t get my good side!

J.R. thought the Cartel was going to love him for this, but they are unimpressed. Cliff is still the real threat. They won’t budge on the refinery deal, but they do take J.R.’s cigars. He almost smokes one, but looks at it like it’s gross.

EVERYONE’S doing it, J.R.!

Bobby shows up as Pam is heading out. She wants to leave Dallas. She can’t live with the scandal. Bobby gives one of his best speeches, telling her she can’t keep running from SouthFork, from him, from Dallas. If she runs, J.R. and Cliff win, and he won’t let them. She FINALLY agrees to come home and I’m all like, damn, there went MY chance with Bobby.

It’s actually so nice a scene, I have nothing to snark about it.

Pam comes home and Lucy and the olds are happy. Sue Ellen, drink in hand, comes out to call Pam a disgrace. Pot, meet kettle.  They all have a drink.

Go back inside, Sue Ellen.

Did we forget anything? OH YEAH –  THE RUSTLERS! Lucy explains Kit came by and the sheriff found them. Mystery solved, yay!

Capiche Moment: J.R. comes home and is hungry and wants dinner. Bobby wonders if he is going to keep his appetite and then from behind, Pam says she’s hungry too. Bobby tells the stunned J.R. he wishes he could thank whoever set up that photo, because it caused Pam and he to realize how much they loved each other. IRONY!

The call is coming from inside the house!

Four out of five Sue Ellen martinis, though I need thirty more minutes just to see Bobby and Ray’s detective work (such as it is). Anyway, next week, Lucy’s getting married! Or IS she? Kit Mainwaring proposes … but he has a secret …

See you next time on the ranch!

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