1. I am only clawing this carpeted post because you are watching. And because it pleases me to make you think I am enjoying some store-bought pet thing and not your leather-upholstered couch, which I will get to the minute you start watching Judge Judy.IMG_6781
  2. Yelling at me only makes me want to scratch the leather-upholstered couch in direct proportion to how loud you yell.IMG_4322
  3. You don’t need to know how hungry I actually am. Just put it in the bowl and walk away slowly.IMG_6255
  4. You don’t need to know how much I like this flavor versus the other. I will just leave this here and get back to it when it pleases me.
  5.  I’m paying you this month’s rent. I can’t help if you don’t take perfectly good lizard carcass as currency. All the finer establishments do.IMG_7479
  6. White quilts look better with the lived-in, paw print  look. I’m sure I saw it in Martha Stewart or Oprah’s magazine.
  7. More Discovery Channel and less Real Housewives, please.
  8. “In” and “out” are so arbitrary. I can’t be caged by your human definitions of what boundaries make up a house.IMG_6782
  9. If water in my bowl tasted better, I’d drink it. It doesn’t. Water in your glass tastes better.IMG_7337
  10. You sure spend a lot of time in front of that big glowing screen and that small one in your hand. Have you seen the sun outside today?
  11. I am not getting in that contraption with wheels again. Last time you took me to the metal table-place with all those dogs and I got a shot. I don’t trust you when you’re saying we’ll just go to Starbucks and back.
  12. I’m not sure where you go eight hours a day, but I’m glad. I need some alone time.
  13. And some nap time.IMG_7063
  14.  I am glad you come home each night, though. You’re not good for much, but it is warm when I want to sleep on your chest.

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