A shopping mall on SouthFork? Bobby betrayed by an old friend? J.R. and Pam having lunch at the country club ??? Has 1970s World become as crazy as our own coronavirus times? Let’s head out to the South 40 and see how the Ewings fare in this week’s Dallas recap!

It’s how I thought I would be one day … looking out at the city making ruthless deals.

As J.R. deals with some worried oilmen on the phone, Bobby decides he can’t wait anymore for J.R.  to go to lunch and heads out. As he strolls down the street, someone unseen calls his name … then tosses a football at him.

” ‘Scuse me … I’m a Ewing.”

Because that’s a thing that happens on the street at random in pre-COVID times.

How long has he had this ball?

It’s his old football pal, Guzzler, who would be attractive if he didn’t suffer from Ray Krebs Hair Syndrome (RKHS). RKHS is defined by overly-poofy graying hair brushed into abnormal shapes. Shorter hair is better, people ‑ and I say that as my own quarantine hair is one week away from going full Tiger King.

“There is hope for those with RKHS … I’m not just the president – I’m a member!”

They have lunch and Guzzler (who let’s face it … is OBVS a con man with that name) flirts with a waitress and talks about a vague Venezuelan deal. Bobby insists Guzzler stay at SouthFork while he’s in town and the Guzzler agrees.

The face of Worried Small Oil.

J.R. meets with his oil cronies. A panhandle drilling has gone bust with 11 dry wells, but they are cheered up by the mention of … dun-dun-DUN … The Red File!

OMG, I thought they forgot all about this! The Red (actually Manila With Red Tape On The Tab) File has not only juicy deals with politicians, it has to do with SouthFork and Jock’s will … namely the South 40 section. This will come up again.

J.R. has to agree to have some oil tests on SouthFork, but makes them promise to do it real subtle-like … Miss Ellie can’t see anything. I have my doubts on how this can happen, but maybe SouthFork is just that big.

I’m with you, Pam.

At dinner that night, Guzzler entertains the family with old football stories. Lucy, always thirsty, makes serious goo-goo eyes at him. She clearly has a type and it’s people with RKHS. Ewwww.

Lucy, I can’t with your taste in men.

After dinner, Sue Ellen slips away to make a phone call — to Cliff! Even though they broke up, she can’t keep away. PLOT THREADS!

The next day, Bobby shows Guzzler some of his building projects and Guzzler shows off his heinous plaid pants. I mean, they are PLAID. This alone would make me never trust someone trying to pitch me a business deal. Yet somehow, Bobby believes this plaid-stuffed BS and wants to make Guzzler his partner. They head off to celebrate.


And celebrate they do! At 3:10 am, Pam wakes up to find Bobby still isn’t there. A cab rolls up and an extremely wasted Bobby and Guzzler pour out. Guzzler carries Bobby up to bed and then hits on Pam. Double EWWWWW.

That is a sloppy rich drunk.

This continues next day at the pool. Guzz wears too-tight swim trunks (at least they aren’t PLAID) and sneaks up on a floating Pam and spooks her. When Bobby shows up, Pam is frosty. She leaves to get Bobby’s “rubber ducky” (is this code for something?) and Guzz and Bobby race. Do not try to outswim the Man From Atlantis, Guzz, even if he is hung over and needs his rubber ducky.

At least his hair looks better.

J.R. checks in on the oil well testing. This equipment is massive and if Miss Ellie or Ray haven’t seen this, they are blinder than Guzzler’s stylist. The oil cronies are happy, but J.R. knows there could be trouble later – his parents are never going to allow drilling while they are alive.


Bobby and Guzzler (I’ve typed more “z”s in this recap than I’ve eer typed in my entire life combined) find the perfect place to build a shopping mall. Any guesses on where it is? Dun-dun-DUN! SouthFork!

No, Jock, that doesn’t go with ANYTHING.

As Jock struggles to find a place on the shelves for a hideous bronze horse statue, Bobby pitches the idea of building a shopping mall on SouthFork. Jock wants J.R. to go with them to check out the potential land, because with feuding brothers, that’s what you do.

Some gratuitous Shirtless Bobby Ewing to clear the mental palette.

Meanwhile, back at the pool, Guzzler is hitting on Lucy. Exponential EWWWWWWW. Pam comes outside and calls him out on it. As Lucy scampers off, Guzzler gives Pam a sob story about how close he and Bobby used to be. It doesn’t turn the tide completely, but it throws her off the scent.

They actually make him more sympathetic here, but that hair makes me not trust him.

Safari-Action J.R. … with removable Unfortunate Neckwear!

Jock, Bobby and J.R. visit the future site of SouthFork Mall. Turns out … it’s where J.R. and his pals were testing to make sure there’s a huge oil deposit they can drill after Jock dies. CONFLICT! Jock decides he’ll see if Miss Ellie will let Bobby build on the land.

In NO TIME AT ALL, Jock’s oil cronies have already heard about the shopping mall and are in J.R.’s office freaking out. WOW, Dallas is a small town, for every bit of Ewing-related news to get around so fast!

“Don’t hit me again! I’ll do anything – even wear less plaid!”

One crony threatens to do something to Bobby if J.R. doesn’t stop it. There’s a pause where you wonder what J.R. will do, since you don’t threaten a man’s family, even if he is friends with someone who has two Zs in his name. And J.R. is just rotten enough to not do anything. And then … he SLAPS THE GUY!

Now, Bobby was always throwing punches, so it feels weird that J.R., who grew up with the same macho father Bobby did, would slap a business colleague instead of punch him, but perhaps the 70s business culture was different. What do I know, I was only 10 at the time.

That painting!

Soon, J.R. gets some news from a private investigator, who is uninteresting except for some amazing 70s artwork in his office.

Bobby and Guzzler are wheeling and dealing. They name check actual stores and I feel like this was before product placement was a thing. Bobby has some doubts about how big the mall is getting … he was thinking just a tiny little strip mall with a ramen place, not the SouthFork Galleria.

“Macys! Lord and Taylor! Taco Bell!”

J.R. and Pam have lunch. Pam is as incredulous as we all are at this momentous occasion. J.R. tells her Guzzler is on the run after several failed scams and business dealings. He asks Pam to help him keep Bobby from going into business with a man named Guzzler.

And yet, we never see him play golf!

Pam smartly asks what J.R. gets out of all this, and he responds with “Does it matter?” CLASSIC J.R.!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Bobby and Guzzler are going over even BIGGER plans for mall department stores. Bobby is still mildly hesitant. Miss Ellie comes in and is ready to make them some more coffee, until she sees the mega-mall plans. She gets the vapors and has to go outside to the patio to be wistful.

“Be the land, Bobby.”

Bobby goes out to be a good son and kindly convince her to live in the present, where we make things change all the time and expect money for it. She wonders why it all has to be about money and why can’t some things just “be.” Be on the lookout for my new book, The Zen Koans of Miss Ellie, in stores soon!

OMG those wall coverings!

Before Bobby wakes up, Pam slips out to confront Guzzler in the guest bedroom. The guest bedroom has some wallpaper that is more unfortunate than 83% of the Ewing neckwear line. Pam tells him he’s busted and he asks if she’s going to tell Bobby.

As she goes back to her room, Bobby is awake. He knew about Guzzler’s scams all along, but he was trying to help him get back on his feet. CLASSIC BOBBY!

It was a dream, all along … oh, wait. Wrong season.”

Later, the Guzz is outside waiting for a cab. Bobby tells him the mall is off, but they can find other land. Guzz lies, and says his Venezuala deal needs him immediately. I didn’t like the guy, but it’s actually a bittersweet scene as Bobby pays for his cab one more time.

“Hope this cab takes Traveler’s Checks!”

Capiche Moment: Bobby and Pam look wistfully at Guzzler’s departing cab.

All-New! Scruff-Action Bobby Ewing! In stores soon!

Awww! A nice episode. 4 out of 5 land deals for me. Next week … Bobby gets kidnapped and gets scruffy, making him even hotter! Join us won’t you?

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