Is J.R. wearing the same damn safari outfit?

Welcome back to the reunion of Gary #1 (aka, NOT Real Gary Ewing, as played late by Ted Shackleford) and his family. After a quick recap of last week’s events (which I won’t recap my own recap here, because then we get into a meta-spiral we’ll never escape), let’s dive right in.

Poor Gary #1.

We open with Pam and Maggie at the drunk ward of the hospital. They are there to see Digger, who is drying out. I suspect this is one of those places that closed during the Reagan era. It sounds more like a warfront hospital than a drunk ward. I can see Miss Scarlett refusing to watch one more leg amputation and running home to Miss Pittypat.

“Don’t come back now, y’hear?”

Val makes Gary #1 stop before they turn into the driveway. Only Val suspects what’s waiting for them. Some backstory gets expositioned and then they head in. Everything seems civil.

One day, I will recreate this photo in real life.

After seeing unconscious and sweaty Digger, Pam starts ACTING at poor Aunt Maggie about how she wants to take care of Digger. Where is she going to take him – Southfork? Maggie tells her to stay away. Digger doesn’t want Pam around, since she’s a Ewing now.

Ray and Gary #1 chat. Ray explains about farm subsidies which I vaguely remember from the newspapers of the 70s and proves the Dallas writers were RELEVANT. If the oil-rich Ewings were taking subsidies, I wonder what unscrupulous things they’d do now?

Lucy is pushing her parents to get married again and is planning the whole future. Lucy is ready to fire Ray to make Gary #1 the foreman. That’s one way to get rid of your ex, Lucy. Gary #1 gets angry.

“He’s your brother … you should ABSOLUTELY trust him!” said no one ever about J.R.

J.R. drives up and tells Gary #1 about a company that Ewing Oil acquired and he wants Gary #1 to take it over. Lucy totally falls for J.R.’s story but Valene suspects something … as we hear a rattlesnake sound in the music cues. Valene erupts and tells Gary he has to get away, but Gary wants to believe J.R. is simply going to HAND HIM OVER A BUSINESS.

Pam bleats on about Digger to anyone who will listen. Pam finally meets Valene and Lucy tells them the good news about this new company Gary #1 can run. Pam instantly suspects something and even Bobby appears taken aback. “J.R.?” he says, as if he’s forgotten who the star of the show is.

Calm down and stare at Bobby’s chest, Pam.

Pam’s determined to go to Aunt Maggie’s AGAIN, so she takes off. J.R. wants Gary #1 to look at some books and Valene is worried. Bobby also appears to be falling for J.R.’s scheme.

Aunt Maggie was peacefully doing some knitting when Pam shows up with some puzzles and other gifts. Digger does not look like a puzzle-type of guy to me, Pam. The rattlesnake sound cue plays again. Maggie tries to tell Pam Digger won’t see her but Pam loses her ability to understand plain English. Pam goes in to see Digger as the camera blurs in and out. When he sees her, he growls at her. Digger pushes Pam away and she dissolves into tears. Pam never listens.

There’s a whole other story going on in Aunt Maggie’s decor.

Bobby and Gary #1 mock fight before going horse riding. J.R. pushes Gary #1 to stay and do paperwork. Finally, Bobby starts clueing in that J.R. is OBVS plotting something. Valene and Miss Ellie chat in the kitchen. Where was Miss Ellie when they ran Valene off 16 years ago? Miss Ellie usually seems like the good one, but she definitely let some shit go down in this case. Miss Ellie promises what happened before, won’t go down again. Suuuure, Miss Ellie. Have you met any of your sons?

“I wanted to go horseback riding, too. Too bad we can’t afford accountants.”

Val tells Bobby what she’s afraid of. Bobby claims the company is solid, so clearly he doesn’t know how to tell cooked books from non-cooked ones. J.R. never needed to worry about those Red Files. Bobby confronts J.R. about his scheme. Sue Ellen’s bitchiness tips J.R.’s hand. Bobby tells J.R. not to do anything to Gary.

Sue Ellen – paragon of authenticity.

Pam drives up, all upset about Digger. If I got to come home to Bobby’s open shirts all the time, I’d be a lot less mopey than Pam is on a daily basis. Pam gets snarky with Jock, who goes outside to have a glass of orange juice when a red car careens up and crashes into driveway post.

“Can’t a man enjoy his orange juice in peace?”

CLEARLY the Ewings need a gate or something.

Digger stumbles out of the car and tosses Pam’s puzzles and gifts to her and he tells Jock he wants money to make up for all he stole from him and now for the last thing Jock has taken … now Digger wants money for Pam – $10,000. Jock tosses a hundred and Digger, who politely says “Sold.”

“Now how much would you pay? Wait! There’s more!”


Later, Pam and Gary #1 chat. He can’t get past one page of the reports J.R. gave him. Miss Ellie comes with snacks. Lucy comes in as well. When she kisses him goodnight, he spills milk on the reports and the three women go nuts cleaning up. The chatter gets so loud I start to need a drink. Gary #1 explodes with the classic line “It’s only a glass of milk, dammit, leave me alone!”

No use crying over spilled … oh wait.

He just cussed at Miss Ellie. Wow.

Gary #1 heads straight for the bar and pours a drink. He hesitates and from behind, Valene steps into the parlor and sees him. He doesn’t take the drink, but she walks away. She knows in her heart he’ll never be strong enough to stay on the ranch and he’s getting re-cast and Gary #2 will be getting a spin-off with her anyway.

Where’s that rattlesnake sound cue now?

The next morning, his suitcase packed, Gary #1 walks out. Valene races after him. He’s ready to run and Val knows she’s going to be kicked off Southfork the minute he’s gone. They kiss and the wind blows dramatically and Gary #1 heads off, never to be seen again. He walks off, but there’s no Uber, so I’m not sure how he gets to an airport.

Just how far can it be to the airport?

J.R. gives Valene the choice to have $5000 and an escort out of the state  or just the escort out of state. She tries to smack him. She refuses the check and storms back in to get dressed.

Dressed for evil, day or night.

Miss Ellie and Jock walk along the fences. Miss Ellie can’t figure out why Gary left, so it’s clear she has NOT met J.R.

Lucy’s pissed at Gary #1, but thinks Valene will come back.

Don’t worry … Knots Landing is only a few years away.

Despite being sold for $100, Pam goes to see Digger again. Personally, I wouldn’t give Digger the time of day. She tells him she’s never going to leave him alone. As she leaves, he tries to give her the $100. She says he’s owed a lot more than that. This is … bonding, I guess?

Money changes everything.

During after-dinner drinks, J.R. claims Gary is weak and Bobby is pissed. Bobby suspects J.R. and Miss Ellie says not to blame J.R. Lucy thinks Valene is coming back, but J.R. tells them that Valene took $5000 to leave.

Lucy slaps J.R. hard.


Capiche Moment – After the slap, J.R. says “They used to kill the bearer of bad news. I guess I got off lucky.”

One brother down, one to go.

All in all, I give it two Sue Ellen cocktails out of five. Next week … a surprise 80s star plays the first Jenna Wade! See you on the ranch!

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