Logan’s Run — Season 1, Episode 13: “Stargate”

Welcome to Matte City.

No doubt, things are grim in our world today. And we have only two episodes left to indulge in a chiffon-filled world of the future to recap! This one features aliens, so let’s see what’s been going on in the galaxy while Earth domed itself off … just like we’re doing. Join us, won’t you for the penultimate Logan’s Run recap! PEW PEW PEW!

This one is written by comic book scribe, Dennis O’Neil! WOW! I did not know that ! That is so cool. O’Neil wrote some classic comic books, including THAT Green Lantern/Green Arrow run in the 1970s, so I’m stoked to see what he has for us here.

As the solar vehicle winds its way along the hills and dirt roads of what I suspect is Sun Valley, Jessica sees a man in a gold and silver lame jumpsuit clutch his stomach and fall to the ground. He complains of being so cold … and he needs to get home.

I’m so hot for her and she’s so cold …wait …

Jessica notes that he acts like he’s freezing. Logan smirks that if it does start freezing out here, she’ll be the first to know, clearly referencing her skimpy outfit. Then, he slaps her ass! Wow, Logan!

Lieutenant Kelso! WHY?

They drive him over a valley to what looks like a complete city. Four other gold and silver-clad people meet them outside the city. They tell the man, whose name is Arcana, he knows he’s not supposed to leave the building. Logan introduces his group and Morah, (played by the guy who played Lieutenant Lee Kelso in the second Star Trek pilot in the 60s), tells them they are from another place where it’s not so cold.

The La-Z-Boys of DOOM!

Morah invites them in to sit in some futuristic La-Z-Boys and have a drink. REM, of course, needs no liquids and, Morah is now suspicious. Logan and Jessica want to know more about Morah’s homeland, and he cagily dodges their questions. Jessica claims she’s stifling hot and if it was all that hot, I’d hope Logan might ditch his shirt SINCE HE HASN’T SINCE THE PILOT!

Alas, Morah, adjusts the ventilation. Boo.

That’s what he looks like inside?

Morah probes them more (with questions!). REM wants to leave, but now Logan and Jessica are buzzed on their drinks and the futuristic La-Z-Boys are pulsing with lights. The silver and gold-clad people (look, we KNOW they’re aliens, but our heroes don’t yet!) scan REM and find he’s an android. Uh-oh!

Recapping the recap …

Logan tries to get up and he can’t. Morah’s people grab REM and Logan wants him to resist. REM reminds him he is programmed not to resist human beings. HMMM. I absolutely don’t thank that’s true. He’s totally resisted some Sandmen, but okay.  As Logan and Jessica are questioned, clips of past episodes play in TV screens above their heads.

It’s like an EZ Bake Oven of DOOM!

Logan manages to get out of the La-Z-Boy of Death, but Morah hits him with an invisible ray with what they’ll call a pain wand. They’re taken to a red chamber and they try to stay awake while they start getting baked (not that kind of baked).  Do they take Logan’s blaster? Have you watched this show?

Get off me!

Logan hugs the sweaty and dehydrated Jessica.  As much as I’d love him hugging me like that, if it was all that hot, I’d be like, “Don’t touch me –  you’re making it hotter.” When Logan remarks that wherever these folks are from, they can’t like it this hot — There’s nowhere that hot on Earth. Music swells dramatically like you’ve never heard, as they look around … and NOTHING.

They don’t say “Aliens!” or  “Gold and silver don’t actually work in color blocking!” or even “I just peed myself!” Just … music. That was a LOT of build up for nothing.

REM brags about being the ultimate computer in human form as Morah’s people show him a big, transporter-looking tube. REM can tell they are sending high-frequency transmissions and it’s a far distance. REM finally deduces they are aliens. D’uh.

Wait … you’re aliens?

Morah says they don’t need all of REM when he says he’s not going to help them and we can see where this is going.

Back in the Red Room, Jessica and Logan still have all their clothes on. A shadowy figure slides open their door and takes their pulse. The old man is there to get them out.

As the old man and Logan help Jessica out, he remarks that he’s not seen an ankh since he was a lad. WTF? Was this some sort of last-ditch Sanctuary clue that they forget to come back to? He gives them some water and tells Logan and Jessica he’s the last one alive from this city. He keeps giving them water and I’m like, I think a shower would be better.

I think Logan needs a shower.

The old man, whose name we haven’t heard and yet Logan now calls him Timon, explains to Logan and Jessica the aliens crashed in a valley and they didn’t look human then. They killed his people and took over their bodies, including his family’s.

Timon says that after the questioning, the aliens will take over Logan and Jessica’s bodies. I can only hope they do more adult things with them than we’ve seen to date.

At their main control room, a couple of aliens in the background stand and talk to each other –  I guess there’s not enough buttons to push. Morah tests a part they got out of REM, but now he needs to scavenge more of his components.

Timon says there’s only a dozen aliens and they stay close to the machine they’re building. Timon brings Logan and Jess to a room with computer banks and a door. He opens the door and there are copies of Logan and Jess –  in silver and gold jumpsuits. The horror!

Very not-chic.

Future Fashion

The men’s jumpsuits are silver in the center with gold blocking and the women’s reversed. I kind of love the silver and gold look, but my fashion sense was warped in the early 1970s by the costume designs of the Legion of Super Heroes.

Logan and Timon try to overload the machine and kill the odd alien fashionistas. Their clones begin to melt and its creepy –  especially as they shudder and sag to the ground.

I’m melting!

They head off to find REM. They sneak through some airducts and try to pull him off a table by his arm … and the arm comes off. The aliens have taken parts from all over his body. He quotes a little Humpty Dumpty, but Logan and Jess don’t get the reference. That’s not in the City of Domes nursery rhymes, clearly.  A bit too subversive, probably.

My favorite Legion of Super Heroes reject … Arm-Fall-Off Boy.

REM explains the aliens are building a beacon to guide spacecraft to them. Their sun is going nova (aren’t they always?) and they want Earth, even though it’s too chilly. Aliens come in to wheel REM out, as Jessica and Logan hide and amazingly are not caught.

However, aliens FINALLY check the Red Room out and realize Logan and Jessica are gone. Timon gives Logan an old blaster. Let’s see how long he keeps it.

Where are the special effects?

He manages to surprise two aliens and blast them. Logan and Jessica touch the force field around the beacon and there are absolutely NO special effects. We’ve seen like 20 different force fields in this series, but nothing here. Same for the wands the aliens use on our heroes. They double over in pain when Morah points at them, but we don’t see any rays. I’m guessing the budget for silver lame jumpsuits sucked up all the money.

The aliens drag the unconscious runners to the fen, which I was unsure I heard right until they woke up in the swamp. Well, all right for Denny O’Neil and his awesome vocabulary.  Fen.

Have you read that comic book, Fen Thing?

Morah takes some more components out of REM. Amazingly, they slide right into their machines … apparently REM and this beacon use the exact same internal doohickeys. You’d think REM could defend himself now, since these people aren’t human. His parts seem to test well, but their carrier wave still isn’t working. The aliens need even more of REM.

We need more more more (how do you like it, how do you like it?)

In the fen (which I will use always instead of “swamp” now), the others wake up. Strange noises sound and Timon says they will be their death knell. He doesn’t know what’s living here, but it leaves lots of carcasses. Logan surmises it must be mutants. Way to be a mutantphobe, Logan.

We never see this mutant leg again.

A lot of dry ice died to make this fen. The noises are creepier than average fen noises. Logan breaks off a tree branch for a weapon and some tentacle grabs Timon’s leg. Logan beats it off (totally intentional phrase, I assure you) and they keep walking. Lions and tentacles and bears, oh my!

REM discreetly tries to repair himself until Morah comes in. Morah needs even MORE of him. They’re going to disassemble him completely. Only now does REM hear Logan and Jessica have been “terminated.” Come on – you didn’t think that was the plan, REM? Naïve.

Logan and crew have found their way out of the fen. A mutant we glimpsed earlier was just … a fen herring?

As REM tries to build something, Logan and Jessica come to save him. Somehow, REM now knows the beacon isn’t a signal, but a matter transporter. Logan helps get REM finish the deflector he’s been working on, that MIGHT stop the carrier wave.

They’re coming!

Timon is worried about getting through the aliens. Jessica suggests freezing them out so they go to find some liquid nitrogen. Good thing Timon happens to know where the aliens store it.

As the signal starts to transmit, Logan and the gang put Operation: Popsicle into action. REM’s magic tuning fork locks the aliens in their chamber and Jessica and Timon spray the gas into the ventilation.

Operation: Popsicle is a success!

It’s extremely visible, so I am surprised no one sees it. I guess they are all watching the red-suited alien soldier in the transporter. The aliens panic and try to get out, but they all fall down from extreme chilliness.

I’ll fan them to death!

The solider is solidifying but Logan starts up the deflector. This too, has no visible special effects. It blows up the beacon and Earth is saved! Timon goes to all the aliens and takes their wands. At least someone on this show has some forethought!

Timon wants to lock them up, but Logan says he’d still be there all alone. Maybe when they wake up, they’ll be peaceful and they can all live happily ever after.

My pain wands! Mine!

WTF? Didn’t they kill and take Timon’s family’s bodies? Just because he has all their pain wands, he’s gonna be safe from them? Doesn’t he have to sleep sometime?

Goodbye, Matte City!

Oh well. A middling episode, 2.5 out of five Sanctuary ankhs. Next week –  it’s our last recap! I’m sad and a bit frustrated. At least Francis will be back for the finale, as they face off against some very poor lightsaber imitations! Until next time, PEW PEW PEW!

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