From the preview, it looks like Logan and Jess’s search is a quick one … they run down a hill and exclaim happily they have found Sanctuary. Huzzah!

Or have they?

Dance happily along with Logan’s Run’s happy pewpewpew theme music as we head back to the post-apocalyptic wastelands of Southern California where they filmed Logan’s Run!

REM! Those eyebrows!

Stuck in what looks like Death Valley, REM is fixing the G-11 air car. I realize that it’s not quite a G or 11 on the side of the car, but they don’t have nifty personalized license plates like the Ewings in the future, so G-11 it is. It’s established REM is 200 years old and microspanners are a tool needed to fix the G-11. 

The hot and thirsty humans are clearly annoying REM, and he sends them to look for an oasis. As they head up the hill, we see them on a viewscreen. They are being watched! Jessica talks about how many false hopes they’ve had on their search and the mysterious watcher decrees their every wish should be fulfilled to observe their reactions.

So … I’m watching them watch Logan’s Run

If, in fact, there are any powerful alien entities watching me right now and want to observe some reactions, there are a large number of porn stars and cheesecake varieties that you’d love my reactions to.

We cut to the observers, dressed in early 80’s sci-fi-trope silver and the female is ready to activate the memory pulse, which seems like something naughty to me, but then I have porn stars and cheesecake on the brain.

Wouldn’t you know it … an oasis appears! A river, trees, etc. Logan and Jess jump in with their clothes on, splashing around and gulping water as the silver-clad observers watch. It would have been entertaining to see what they were really doing … stuffing sand in their mouths and rolling around in baking-hot silica.

Really missed an opportunity to get Greg Evigan shirtless here.

A “runner” appears and leads them to “Sanctuary.” I’m going to get fined for overuse of quotation marks, but there’s a lot of “things” that aren’t as they “appear” here.  The runner says. Not to worry about REM back in the desert … the Protector who rules Sanctuary wants to see them.

Do you trust this scenario?

Red Flags for Runners

  1. Don’t believe people who appear out of nowhere.
  2. Don’t believe people trying to separate you from your robot.
  3. Don’t believe that rulers named “the Protector” are somehow benevolent.

Sanctuary looks like the Arboretum in Arcadia only now with buildings of burnt sienna and red and a lot of flamingos. This isn’t quite how I picture Sanctuary, but then, I haven’t been stuck in the desert with a cranky robot.

The lady in silver has a name, Joanna, but the Protector is just “the Protector.” See Red Flag #3. Protector claims he doesn’t rule Sanctuary, and instead, each man rules himself. This is my new philosophy and I’m going to embrace it by wearing more silver jumpsuits.

Joanna says they should freshen up (again, they’ve been in a hot desert for an unspecified period of time with a cranky robot). However,  once in his room, Logan starts getting suspicious. Between Jessica’s dress and a “visual book” conveniently turned to the exact page he was reading before he started running, he thinks things are too much like the City of Domes. The runner explains that’s to make runners feel more comfortable.

“Help us Obi-Wan Steve Jobs … you’re our only hope!”

This brings up interesting questions about human nature. Is all we desire our former cages, only with a different or new master? Do we want to run towards happy memories or towards an unknown future? Or sometimes … is a visual book  – opened to the same place –  just a visual book opened to the same place?

When Jessica asks about a friend, Martin, who was a runner, he walks in in the next second.

Martin’s draping is on point.

Fashion Forward

Martin’s draped, open tunic and wide gold belt are a hit with me. However, his pants are a bit too tight in the crotch.

We cut back to REM, who finally decides to start looking for Logan and Jessica. He has a tracking device and who knows what else (besides his trusty microspanner).

As Martin and Jess catch up, a surly Logan swirls around in his chair. Logan simply can’t be happy. Logan distrusts that Martin hasn’t aged in 4 years. I’m not sure 4 years is enough time to age a 20-something noticeably, but then I don’t come from a society where we all died at 30.

I applaud the bold use of color.

Logan leaves and goes to sulk around the nifty two-tone color scheme hallways and finds a cave smack dab in the middle of a hallway. Of course, he has to go in it and gets trapped by the sliding wall. Trippy hallucinogenic Sandmen taunt him. He runs through a different color scheme and completely fails to notice the trapped aliens inside cells. He ends up in a cell with Death (well, it’s a hooded alien, but at this point, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was Death) and passes out.

Purple = the jail wing?

Meanwhile, a fake Logan and Jessica lead REM to sanctuary. However, his android senses aren’t fooled. Joanna and the Protector debate bringing REM on the ship, which they’ll absolutely regret later.

Logan wakes up and Jessica doesn’t believe he ran into Sandmen. They argue and she suddenly telekinetically throws a vase at him! It splatters on the blue wall. She gets a little histrionic trying to prove she didn’t physically throw it at him. Suddenly, he has all the answers and mansplains it to her. He knows their minds are being manipulated.  Manipulated or not, I want those rounded Lego-like walls. He yells at her and she’s able to make Martin reappear.

“100 telekinetically thrown bottles of beer on the wall …”

REM walks in and explains he knows the difference between the reality and the illusions. He reveals they are on a spaceship. Two rather hunky security guards walk in and bring REM to the Protector (who now gets named John – clearly the most common name on any planet) and Joanna’s control room. The aliens are collecting (hence the episode title) the dominant species of different planets to expand their empire of Casorla.

Draping not so on point.

I’m unclear as to why collecting species is a way to empire-build, but perhaps this is why I haven’t conquered anything yet. In any event, it sounds ominous.

In an attempt to save Logan and Jessica from getting collected, REM explains to the aliens his “humans” are inferior and like pets. He almost has them believing it, but John wants REM to prove he is the dominant lifeform.  How to do this? Let him breathe toxic air because Logan couldn’t, obvs.

He takes REM to Death’s cell. REM isn’t affected by the toxic atmosphere, of course, but Death tells REM he and all the others are captives in a Noah’s Ark-type situation.

Death, where is thy gaseous, toxic sting?

In order to break out of their rounded Lego box, Logan gets Jessica to start telekinetically destroying the room. She does and they giggle as she wrecks things. The security guards come in and Logan freezes them with his blaster and the duo escapes.

Once REM and the Protector head back to the control room, that crafty Joanna has a molecular profile ready … on REM. The game is up and they will take all three of them back to Casorla. REM escapes for a bit, but eventually all three of our Earth heroes are captured and brought back to the control room, which isn’t painted nearly as boldly as the hallways.

Things look bad … but REM was smart enough to somehow unlock Death’s cage. Death takes John and Joanna to his cage where they pass out (or die).  Logan, Jess and REM free the other alien captives and suddenly its Logan’s Run’s own “Journey to Babel” scene. 

“How do you vote, Sarek of … oh wait. Wrong franchise.”

Logan and his pals go back to the control room. Karen, the “runner” they first met, is contacting Casorla and Logan forces her to say the ship is in trouble and not coming back.

REM chats with Death and hopes they all can figure out how to make the ship work and go back home … but he, Logan and Jessica have a quest to get back to. I’m still not sure why Death’s cell had strips of gauze hanging from the ceiling, but perhaps that’s how they got their nutrients. I don’t judge alien cultures.

The G-11 is all fixed and Logan jokes that he thinks REM really does think of them as his pets … even though he never heard that conversation. The same footage of Logan toggling switches is shown and the car drives off.

Overall, kind of a lame episode. Two out of five Sanctuary ankhs. I’m not sure aliens work in the Logan’s Run world.

Ah well – see you next week for the next leg of Logan’s Run! Pewpewpew!

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